you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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