I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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