my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
