mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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