Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
