did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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