Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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