I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
