There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
