Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i dont even know how to be here
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm both gender and math confused
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
