guys are only as good as the porn they watch
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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