My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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