The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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