I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
