I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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