dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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