Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
