i love accidental penises.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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