You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
