you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize