Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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