the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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