dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize