Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
