I'm sorry my penis didn't work
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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