so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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