Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
