dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
