im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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