i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
