I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
