I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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