fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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