she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You have to summon your inner elephant
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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