I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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