There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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