Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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