...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
