While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
