I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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