you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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