My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
