You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
