Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
