Define "chronic" masturbator.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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