Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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