Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
