I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
