If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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