Three words: puerto rican gang bang
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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