my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
