zippers are such a cool invention
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize