i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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