There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize