i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
