This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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