So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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