she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
