we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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