At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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