How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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