All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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