my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize